Butterfly Stories

After months of considering the possibility that I could be free from the agony of my decision 40 years before, I argued with the Lord telling Him many reasons why I did not need to attend Forgiven & Set Free Bible study. I really thought I had put "it" behind me (but I knew that I had not) and if I were honest about it, my heart would come unglued. I knew I was desperate. I knew my heart was closed. I was too afraid to be honest with woman I didn't know. The reality was that I was in denial. As I began doing the Bible study, each morning the Lord would meet me in such a sweet way. The subjects were hard to think about, there was a lot of weeping and repentance. I couldn't wait to discuss my thoughts with the women I was once terrified of. One by one, I realized they were telling my story. Could this be true? Other women feel this way? The bonds the Lord was building is unbreakable, still. God began to show me His true character, not my perception of it. I can honestly say I am forgiven and set free. God has released me from bondage. Praise be to Jesus Christ who died on the cross to take all of my and your shame and guilt away. For now and forever more Praise His Holy Name.

I’m currently in the middle of a personal bible study that’s specific for women who have had abortions. Right now I’m working on a chapter that is requiring me to look back on my abortion and remember every detail, from conception, to the color of the walls at the clinic I went to. It’s hard. It’s painful. It’s just plain sad. I’ve been in this state of denial for quite some time now, but going over the teeny tiny details of what I did is bringing it all to light. When I first started this chapter I was so angry. I thought, “Why would a bible study, that’s supposed to be helping me, make me relive the most painful part of my life?” And then I figured it out. Yes, there’s pain in the details. But there’s also healing in the details. I believe this chapter was designed to soften my heart, to bring me to complete understanding of what I did, to ensure that I know the pain and the misery that I feel, and to expose the pieces of my life that I may be hiding from God. But why? Why would the author want to do that? Those questions taunted me, but then I realized: it’s once you get down to the grit and grime of your pain that you know there’s nowhere to go but up. You know that the only one who can pick you up and dust you off is God. God loves you and He wants so badly for you to be joyful. Truly joyful. Maybe you’re in a place like me, a place where life is just a series of tasks to check off. A place where every single day hurts. A place where avoiding the details of the past is normal. I’m learning that true joy only comes through our Father. And if we aren’t in constant communication with Him about everything, even the darkest parts of hearts, joy can almost feel like a myth. I encourage you to tell God everything, as I am learning to do as well; go over the details and talk to Him about them. Those memories, if painful, may break you, but your Father will put you back together.

As a teenager I was entering all too soon into unknown territory when I became pregnant. I had deserted God and made a decision that was by my own guidance and not God's wisdom. But God never abandoned me. Through "healed." ministry and the Bible study called Forgiven and Set Free, I have learned He has also never abandoned my unborn child. The greatest thing was to name my baby girl (Asia Hope) and dedicate her to the Lord. Later I was obedient to give my testimony and it was received with so much love and support. I know I am forgiven now. My chains are broken and I have been delivered from darkness. I've taken off my cloak of shame and put on the righteous cloak of Jesus. I am no longer pro choice but pro life! They are all God's children just as you and I belong to Him. May this hope strengthen us to protect every life here on earth. Be strong and courageous for the Lord your God goes with you! He will never abandon or forsake you. Deut. 31:6

I was 17 when I had my first abortion. There were three more to follow. They never told me about a baby, they just told me it would be over soon. They never told me about the pain I would feel physically and emotionally, the nurse just held my hand and told me it would be over soon. Abortion not only took my babies lives, but it almost took mine. I had no support system, no one to talk to fearing more disapproval and rejection. Convinced that I was alone in this darkness and beyond the reach of God's forgiveness, I internalized my grief which resulted in self-destructive behavior for years after my abortions. Overwhelmed by guilt, emotionally numb, depressed, drug use, alcohol and abusive relationships all became a way to punish myself for the unthinkable. I was in a destructive spiral! I called out to God in desperation and He led me to a church counselor. It helped me get through and know that God had forgiveness for me, but there was still this hurt and guilt. It didn’t help with some of the things I was still carrying. The resentment towards my mom for not being there for me when I needed her most, unresolved trauma of the actual procedure, privately grieving the losses, I still felt unworthy of being happy and tired of carrying this darkness through every happy moment. Through both births of my girls there was even sadness and fear that at some point God was going to take then from me for what I had done. How could I? These precious gifts that I had thrown away? I decided I needed to volunteer at a pregnancy center to give back, to be that love and support to other women who may be where I was so many years before with no support and filled with fear. The day I interviewed to volunteer I met the most amazing woman! After sharing my abortion experience with her she suggested that I go through a Bible study which the center offered called Forgiven & Set Free. Through this study God's love was abundant! Every lesson brought to the surface each step of trauma from those past abortions. Forgiven & Set Free through God's word showed me how to really forgive those who played a part in my abortion decisions as well as forgiving myself. Forgiven & Set Free gave me a voice through the written word, I was able to share my story with my husband, a secret I had kept for 20 years of marriage and through the birth of two beautiful daughters. This study allowed me to find healing and forgiveness through God's word. Forgiven & Set Free allowed me to come to peace with God, myself and others involved. I know "I AM" Forgiven & Set Free and Goodness, Mercy, Grace and Joy will follow me all the days of my life!

Everything will be okay, they said. You will never have to worry about this "problem" again, they said. They were wrong! For 17 years I have carried around this guilt, shame and regret. This secret I do not dare tell anyone, because I will be judged and rejected. For 17 years I was sad, angry and depressed because I chose to have an abortion. Then one day, a beautiful godly women told me about a Bible study called Forgiven and Set Free. There was so much hope and promise in the name alone... I had no idea how much this study would forever change my life. I was not alone in my shame and regret. There were other women out there who were just like me, weighed down by what we thought was the unforgivable sin. But I soon learned that God’s grace is immeasurable, His mercy is inexhaustible and His peace is inexpressible. I am no longer ashamed of my past because I know I am loved and have been forgiven. I have been washed cleaned by the blood of our Savior and I am healed.

I am a 31 year old woman who has recently been set free from my burden, shame, guilt and embarrassment that I have carried with me for 10+ years. You see, I have completed “Forgiven & Set Free” Bible study and it has helped me work through immeasurable amounts of emotions from the two abortions I had in my early twenties. My younger self was a drunk, lonely girl who looked for love by being sexually active. I felt that I would have been an embarrassment to my family if they “knew” this young girl I had become. To be honest, for years I didn’t like her either. Completing this Bible study was not easy. I had lied and denied for so long, it was hard to let go; but every time I said YES to what the Lord asked, it became easier. Abortion is mentally and physically traumatic. Had I been told what was ahead of me, I would have taken a different course for my life. Thankfully, our Lord is a loving and forgiving Father and I am no longer ashamed. My relationship with my husband and myself is much better. Also, my personal relationship with my God has flourished. He knows me personally! I look back at my younger self with love. That girl is no longer and this girl can share her story. Amen to that!!

Jeremeiah 6:14 says, "They have healed also the hurt of the daughter of my people SLIGHTLY, saying, Peace, peace; when there is no peace". Before walking through this Bible Study, I was healed slightly and I believed the lie that slight healing was enough. Yet, there was no peace in my life. I was walking with the Lord at this point in my life, but I was far from free. I still cried every single night and kept my abortion a deep, dark secret. I knew the chains I was still living in didn't match up to what God's Word described in a believers life. Through this Bible Study, I learned for the first time in my life what true GRACE was. Growing up in church my entire life, some how I had missed the message of Grace and the cross of Christ. Jesus Christ died for me while I was STILL a sinner! He knew the path I would take and never left my side through it all. I learned through this study that Christ was stooping down in the dirt WITH me and longing to lift up my head and look into my eyes and say, "Daughter, you are forgiven! You are loved! It is finished!". Abortion isn't an unforgivable sin and it isn't the worst sin. It's just sin. And the grace and love of Jesus is deep enough, wide enough, high enough, and big enough to cover it completely and fully! Realizing this truth set me free! The knowledge of Jesus' true grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love healed me completely and fully, bringing Peace like a river into my soul.

Saying YES to taking this Bible study was my first step to freedom. I was very thankful to be able to talk about my past with other women who had abortions. Throughout my journey, I discovered God’s character and promises and how His grace is so amazing. What He did for me was truly a miracle. God made me whole….set me free…healed me!!! And I no longer had to carry that guilt and shame around on my shoulders. Free and oh so thankful.